Much of the tension I was feeling in “Trapped” was released through a friend’s experience with his dog’s death.
Sounds strange everytime I think it. What does a dog’s death have to do with my grief for my child? Everything, it turns out.
Through the expression of his grief, I came to understand that we let our loved ones go much easier, much faster, when we know that they lived well, were well cared for, lived the life they wanted. In other words, we let go easier, when we have something to hold on to. Pretty simple when you think about it in physical terms, but it applies emotionally too.
I have no snapshots of Luke’s life. No memories, no knowledge that he lived well, loved the life he knew, knew that he was loved. I have nothing to hold onto except the emptiness that he left behind.
But I’ve also come to realize that I can create our lives with him. I can create the snapshots that I won’t have on my digital camera through sketches. I can and have drawn him with O, with us, inside of me as a fetus.
All this time, I’ve been missing him and I don’t think I had to. As I’ve mentioned before, he is with us daily in our minds and hearts. So now I try to capture the daily things in my sketches with him. Maybe one day I’ll paint two or three. I no longer try to shut him out. I can let go because I have my “memories” of him that I collect with my family to hold onto.
