Wow. When I started writing, I thought that I would be more original than "The Beginning" but that's what this is and well, why not be blunt.
This is my first attempt in the online blogging world. I didn't have any interest in blogs until I attended SXSW in Austin and learned how others were sharing their lives just because. A friend of mine inspired me by creating her own and really doing something fantastic. She keeps bugging me to get started and so here I am. It was easier than I thought.
I don't have anything in particular that I want to accomplish with this blog. I just know I like to write. There is something so tangible about words. They are my hugs and my daggers and both flow freely from me.
I'm an Aries, a ram. Anyone who gets to know me never refutes my nature. Stubborn, dominating(big meanie), tenacious, up front. Also loyal, quick tempered but easily distracted, quick to smile or laugh, and formidable when the ones I love are in over their heads. Mountain retreats are especially appealing.
I wrote a lot in school. Saved my work and I pull out from time to time because it's neat to see where my thoughts are now in comparison to where they were then. But my favorite journaling came from being pregnant with my first child and again as a way of releasing intense emotions while pregnant with my second child who died three months ago at 38 weeks.
I had a lot of dark thoughts during those months from my 20th week when we learned our baby would be serverely handicapped and then at 23 weeks when we learned he would not live to see his first birthday if he made it to term at all. But the dark only revealed more light (cliche, I know). Luke, bringer of light. That is his name and I use it freely. It keeps me from thinking of him as my dead baby.
My biggest joys come from being married to my husband for nearly 12 years and from being a mother, in that order. My husband is my rock, my navigator of faith, my perception checker, and the love of my life. We've known each since I graduated high school and I love him more now than at any other time during our marriage. It's never been a sacrifice, but I won't say it's been easy either.
I have a friend who is testing the baby waters. She knows that she will regret not having a baby but she just hasn't found the right time for she and her husband to bring a little one into the world. I think she's also afraid of losing herself and her husband to motherhood. But what I really think is that she's afraid of losing herself to a picture of motherhood that they create in movies, cards, and advertising.
That mother figure is a one-dimensional character whose voice is always pleasant, has always a kind word, makes lunches with little notes in them, sweetly bends to tie the shoes that have come untied for the 50th time, wipes boogers with a smile, and changes poopy diapers without gagging.
Then there's the picture of what we might become. Our mothers. Dundundun. Or better yet, how about Mommy Dearest? Oh wait, YOUR mother WAS Mommy Dearest? Sorry.
Really, though there are worse things than becoming our mothers and we get to hear about those things in the news everyday.
It's scary, hell yeah. But amazing too. Maria, turn off your TV and discontinue your RSS feed to CNN. There really is a happy place in between what you "should" be and that b____ on TV. Besides, you won't know how to tell your daughter how to raise her kids if you don't give it a shot yourself. <hehe>
May 19, 2006 at 4:38 am
I am SO EXCITED you’re finally writing “publicly”. I love your writing, and can’t wait to read all the stuff I know you want to say… be it important or silly.
Why did I know you would choose this template? =)
May 19, 2006 at 4:48 pm
What? I LOVE the hot pink of this template. Besides, O is drenched in pink everyday and it makes me think of her.
May 26, 2006 at 4:00 pm
You are an incredible, strong woman, and you know I love you dearly. I’ve cried more than might be expected when I’ve thought about baby Luke and put myself in your place. Then my own little girl interrupts, and I am nearly swallowed by love. She suffocates me sometimes with the ferocity of her love, and I am growing to feel the same. I’m a little ashamed to say it, but I’ve had to learn how to feel that kind of intensity because I’ve always avoided it. It’s not that I didn’t love her; I just didn’t know how to deal with or acknowledge the depth of it. Your sad experience has become part of that growth.
And thank you for your note to Maria. I’ll add my own: I am far from a perfect mother, and I feel guilty for it constantly. I am too impatient; I expect too much of a 2-year old; I don’t “play” enough; I shout too much; and I am too selfish. Having said that, I must be doing alright because Lily is happy, outgoing, sensitive, intuitive, very verbal (although she still can’t count past 3), and funny. People constantly walk across rooms to speak to her and comment on her smiling face. An older gentleman at the next table over in a restaurant once complemented my mothering!! Totally surprised, I argued that her behavior wasn’t my doing. He said that was nonsense, and that a child that happy and well-behaved had to be to my credit. I didn’t know what to say except, “thank you.” But I still couldn’t take the credit. What I’m getting at, is that maybe we should concede to the wisdom of our elders that you don’t have to be perfect. Children are remarkably resilient and forgiving. They will be fine, in spite of us.
My .02,
Nancy
May 26, 2006 at 8:17 pm
That’s very nice to hear Nancy…
On the cynical side, I’ve come to realize that no parent can’t get it all right either. I have a friend who has some “psychological issues”, the therapist says: because mom loved him “too much”. That just blows my mind. So.. too much love is bad too. LOL! But of course the real problem is not that. I’m simplifying it… yet everybody I know has some flaw to blame always on the poor parents.
So, at this point I come into it knowing that I just have to try to do my best, but no matter what I do, I’ll still blow it somewhere, and as you say, despite that, my child (if I have one) will still survive, and hopefully be happy.